Trying again. Episode 4,732. Volume 33

Overall mood: hrmph. It’s less a “mood” and more a grunting sound

Song of the day: Never There by cake

I have come to terms a long time ago that I am forever plagued with what I call the “Oprah Syndrome“. It is a disease that kills no one every year. Modern medicine has yet to create a magic pill to cure it. There are no fundraising walk-a-thons for us. But what we do have are places like Hometown Buffet” or Taco Bell, or something as equally horrific and awful.  I’m talking about the lifelong syndrome where one is like Ms. Oprah herself. A helpless rider on the see-saw, roller coaster of the weight gain choo choo train.

its like lookin in a mirror...but only i am very poor.

Elastic waisted pants, party of one.

YOU are getting fat, and YOU are getting fat! AND YOU ARE GETTING FAT! ..... and then you get thin, but don't worry, you will get fat again.

You get the point. That’s me. Moderation and I haven’t seen each other in a while. If there is anything consistent in my life, it’s that I’m inconsistent.

So naturally. I have put on the el beez AGAIN and I am back to being thoroughly disgusted with my body from the lower eyelids down. I heard Ralphie May joke about how he is so big that when he goes to the mall to shop, it’s only for socks and cologne because nothing else fits. Yeahhhhh, I’m pretty much there now. My lipstick, lipgloss, and eyeliner collection has grown.

I haven’t been on my diet, nor have I been on a regular workout schedule. Is it time to give up my vices again? I just wish losing weight happened as fast as putting weight on, and was as fun too. It’s fun to deep throat burritos and shovel chips and guac into my mouth. It’s fun eating Nutella with no silverware. It’s fun putting fruit in giant bowls of ice cream and then telling your mom you had a “fruit salad” with dinner.  It however, is not fun eating plain roasted chicken and finding creative ways to trick my body into thinking that the julienned zucchini I am putting in my body is “pasta”.

The first two weeks are the hardest. Getting back into the diet and the consistent exercise will suck. And I will be an awful person to be around. Actually the workout stuff I like, even if I want to die while I am doing it. But the diet? FUCK ME!

I guess we’ll just have to see how it goes. Time to throw out the Haagen daaz and dust off the juicer. I’ll miss you trans fat! Call me!

Holy Chet I got fat

Overall Mood: Fluffy

Song of the Day: Pray by MC Hammer

 

Holy chet, Nov and Dec were a doozy.  I just got back from my vacation in the outer banks, better known as Bingefest 2011/2012.  Bingefest 11/12 was mainly made up of lounging, eating, cookie buffets, pumpkin pie for breakfast, butter, and sugar.  Pulling my luggage off the conveyer belt at the airport made me lose my breath and my heart rate increase into the high 90′s.

I am hoping to make it back into the gym for a solid ass whooping tomorrow and restart m 100 day challenge.  I think I’m just a few short months to being back into swimwear mode.

For now, I leave you with a video of Peanut opening her Xmas gift from her gramma and grampa.

 

Oh, so that is what I look like?

I was looking at cat videos, as I do, and found this video.  And about 10 seconds in, I realized that this is what I must look like on a plane while I try and lick the bits of honey roasted crack dust out of those tiny bags of nuts on Southwest.  I’ll do that in a dress and red lipstick too.  No shame.

I’m still alive!

Overall Mood: Stronger-ish
Song of the Day:  Don’t Panic by Cold Play

There are a few things I have learned over the last few days whilst on this 3 week strength journey.

1)  While I am getting loads stronger with the weights, I still suck at pull ups
2) Rope climb still scares the bejeezus out of me
3) When I run, I still look and sound like I am 4 short breaths away from dying a violent death.
4) I found out that burpees can suck even more than they already do, just add a pushup to it.

I am dropping a bit in weight.  Not a ton, but thats probably because my diet is not on point.  I mean its cold out, and I have to prepare my body for the long winter.  Right?

I am trying to push myself and stay as close to the workout plan as possible.   Some of the weight I have been pushing around the last couple of days:

Back Squat: 155 (not my PR)
Front Squat: 130 (not my PR)
Power Clean: 133
Push Jerk: 125# (failed at 130)

Things that I am really struggling with and hate doing:

GH Raises
Rope Climb
Pull Ups
Pistol Squats
DB Split Squats

hrmmm that second list wasn’t as long as I thought it was going to be!  We’ll see if that list changes anytime soon.   Doubtful, but we’ll see.

oh frack, that burns!

Overall Mood:  The best way to describe my mood?  its not a word, so much as a groaning sound
Song of the Day: Prodigy’s Firestarter

I'm doing it wrong.

So I am day on day 3 of Chelsea, the slave master, crossfit extraordinaire’s workout regmine, and im slowly remembering what “abs” are, and what it means to “use your core.”  For the last 2 months-ish, my mid section has taken on the gelatinous shape of a jello mold baking in the sun.  It had the movement of one too.

So after my first workout, I woke up yesterday uttering the words “this was a bad idea.”  The GHD’s really did me in.   The workout said “do GHD’s at 80% effort”  How do you scale down to 80% effort when it takes 100% effort for me to swing my fat ass body around to complete 1 GHD movement?  Anyhow, i suffered, and when  I sneezed last night,  it took about 30 seconds for the burn to go away.  The next three weeks should be fun.

Not the best photo, but its me and Giselle doing GHD's

The diet is coming along.  I am not as strict on the paleo as I would like.  I have been drinking coffee & wine, and yesterday I had soup for lunch that had potatoes in it.  For the most part, im doing okay.  I made Giselle’s Paleo Shepherds Pie (I also posted here at Instructables:  http://www.instructables.com/id/Sweet-Potato-Sheperds-Pie-Paleo-Friendly/)  over the weekend and had the leftovers yesterday.  Will probably hit up whole foods for some meat tonight….and maybe a cookie.  WAIT! no! No cookie… just meat.  meat only….

And im back?

Overall Mood:  Anxious
Song of the Day:  On the Radio by Regina Spektor

I have been gone for a while, and in a short recap, these last 4 weeks have been really, really tough for me.  Between the regular work schedule coupled with dealing with the emotional stress of my father’s kidney transplant, my mom getting sick, Craig’s family coming into town, and the massive onslaught of food that comes with Thanksgiving, I haven’t been able to workout, eat right, or just be sane.  And my body has really taken a serious plunge the last four weeks.

So after some serious off time from “me” and some failed attempts at getting back on the Paleo bandwagon, I face my first day of a 3 week strength cycle that my friend, gym mate, and all around CrossFit beast Chelsea has put together for our little impromptu group formally called “Team Tie Dye in Training” or TTDIT.  (or as I like to call it TTYLOMGWTFBBQTTDITLOLWUT” ) The team is made up of myself, Giselle, Chelsea, and Caitlin and lemme tell you, these 3 gals can really throw some weight around and are just tough sons of bitches.  I’m not exactly sure why I am part of this group… perhaps to make them feel better about themselves. Ha! But really, these gals are at a strength, endurance, and stamina level that is beyond me, and I am totally flattered that they let me come and play with them.

In preparation for tomorrow, I revisited the scale and the measuring tape.  It’s the first day I have done so in a while.  I had to dust off the scale.  Good Grief!  I’m hoping the numbers are skewed from the added Thanksgiving bloat and will just naturally drop over the next few days.  But since my last official weigh in back in April, I have gained 9lbs and put on about 5 inches around my waist.  5 inches.  (I also typically measured myself in the a.m.  This time, I measured my waist before I went to bed, post “last supper” which included pie and a fat slice of my southwestern meatloaf.)

So now, I am about 7 hours away from my first workout to kickstart the next 3 weeks strength hell! I am excited to track my progress, not only with my diet, weight and measurements, but with my strength and endurance.  We’ll see what happens!

The workout for tomorrow is as follows:

AM Front Squat @ 30X1, 6-8 reps; rest 3 min b/t sets, 4 sets. Good mornings 4-6 reps, no weight today. Slow and steady reps, use PVC. Rest 3 minutes, 3 sets KBS Russian (so go heavy) 20 unbroken swings, rest 60 sec x 3 3 rounds @ 80% effort -10 GH extensions -10 GHD sit ups       PM Perform each of these on the minute, rest the remainder of the minute: Minute 1: 10 box jumps (20”) Minute 2: 30 Double Unders Minute 3: 10 DB push Press (25#/hand) Alternate minutes for 18 minutes

Im comin… please hold

I keep getting asked when I’m going to update this.  I know it has been a while.  I have a draft box of about 20 or so unpublished/unfinished posts to remind me how much I have been slacking.  While i sort through them, I ask that you please hold, and enjoy the music. Thanks Laura for showing me what real music is all about.

 

Lululemon… you bastard

Overall Mood: thirsty
Song of the Day:  Beast of Burden by the Stones

So I just wrote a review of Lululemon on Yelp and really wanted to share that here.  For a while I was wondering what all the fuss was about.  Why are people spending all this dough on stretchy pants.  For $80, those pants should not only fit me, they should walk out of my closet and actually dress me. But, I did it, and I blame Giselle and Chelsea for my future debt to Lululemon.  Anyhow, I went in…. and well… this is my story:

 

What I’m about to write is nothing different than everyone else… but Im gonna talk anyways and you are gonna LISTEN. Because this is the internets, and well, yeah.  pffft.

The obvious:
a) its pricey
b) once you try it your hooked

Now, let me tell you about my effed up, poorly proportioned, can’t ever find pants, fat ass.  I can’t fit into anything anywhere.  My sweater puppies are big and need all the support they can handle without cinching my backfat into a series of speedbumps across my back.   My butt is small and almost non existent, yet my thunder thighs could crush a bus with one squeeze.

So needless to say, buying pants and sportsbra’s are damn near impossible.  I’ve been wearing just cheap leggings from target, which I love, but pose a serious problem when I’m doing crossfit.  I’m squatting everyday, and in large volumes.  What does this mean?  That means with every bend of my knees, everyone who is standing behind me can see which day of the week undies I have on, and find out that I sometimes, wear my “Monday’s” on a Thursday.  Heaven forbid.

So upon some serious polling of friends who “swear by it,”  I walked in.  I tried on everything, and did squats in the fitting room while I stared at my own ass over my shoulder in the mirror.  If anyone ever saw me on some creepy “fitting room undercover camera” I am almost certain that video will leak and go viral any day now.

I was a bit in between sizes with the pants, but pretty much fell in love with the most expensive pair of shorts my ass will ever caress.

In the end, I have completely been converted and will now expect all my friends to pool their funds together and get me lululemon gift cards for all my gift receiving holidays including my birthday, xmas, memorial day, father’s day, and rosh hashanah.

 

I got a case of the Wednesdays

Overall Mood: Slow
Song of the Day:  You Belong to The City by Glen Fry

I got to the gym this morning, ready to workout.  We started with a warm up of an 800m run, 5 pull ups, and 50 double unders.  That is quite a warm up.  But it was this morning that I realized how hard it is for me to get warmed up and ready to go.  I came to the conclusion during class that I am like an old hot rod.  You gotta really turn the key, and shimmy with the car, and pump the gas pedal, and maybe, JUST maybe, I might start.  And once I do, I huff, puff, cough, and it just takes me forever to get running smooth.  About 400m to the warm up, i was DYING.  I wasn’t even running, I was, maybe, sort of jogging.

I think this sort of set the tone for the rest of the workout, because I felt like I had 2 cinder blocks for feet.  It was not pretty and I struggled the entire time to catch my breath and just get into a good rhythm. Today’s workout:

MetCon
5 rounds for time:
- 400m run
- 25 pullups
- 25 box hops (24″/20″)

Finisher
For time:
- 50 weighted situps (45lb/25lb plate)
- 50 (unweighted) situps

I didn’t even finish. So I will go back tonight and finish my last round of the MetCon and the 100 horrific abs.  And if my arms are not completely ripped to shreds, I might work on my rope climb.

I am also on day 5 of this is meat binge while I get my body into ketosis.  I pee’d on some strips, and everything is going as planned.  I have, with the exception of yesterday, been very strict on the diet, and have been an absolute hot mess craving every food on the planet.  It was a really tough week, mainly because of the amount of exercise I do, and the lack of fruits and veggies for added energy.  I was just so exhausted.  As far as my body, I didn’t feel that anyting had changed, in fact, I feel like I have gotten more bloated!  My face broke out too, and Im wondering if that has anything to do with the meat.

But this morning, I walked into the doc’s office (2 days early, as I will be out of town for work) and was excited to see the change in the numbers.  After 5 days, I am:

Down 5.6lbs  (3.8lbs was fat, 1.79 was water)
Down 2″ around waist
Body Fat %:  Down 1%

This week I get to incorporate some veggies back into my diet, which should make me a much more pleasant person to be around!

Word Problem

Here is a little word problem for you….

At a cycling race, there are 50 cyclists in all, each representing a state.  The cyclist from California can cumulatively cycle 528,000 feet per hour.  If the race is 480 miles long, how long before I stop off at the first Baskin Robbins for a 3 scoop sundae with extra hot fudge?

Please show your work.